my sleep last night was mere of wierd dreams. dreams that turn into nightmare when my brain starts to think abt her in my sleep.

i guess this happen due to the fact that she wasnt in a good mood last night and she didnt sms me too. i kept thinking what happened on her date? was it betta than mine? obviously i think so. but i didnt think much. i enjoyed at campfire with the campers till late night.

ok the dream or should i say the nightmare kept me in the shit for the past one week. i'm going to tell the whole world lah abt this. no one cares abt me anyway. o yah, take note. i think i should let my side of my world know to that izyan and me are on time out till her birthday? thats in like one month time. she just need the time from me. the boring me.

anyway the nightmare was that i was haunted by anti-cupid things. haha. stupid right. all those cupids in my dream kept dying and dying till i saw her. she just told me that i just want to know that our love has faded and its getting fader as time goes by. then she showed me this letter and burnt it up. the letter was the last letter she sent.

i woke up. washed my face. sat down and slowly got into my sleep again and again another dream came up, and whats worst, i think it was abt her date. i had no idea how the guy looked like but i saw her. they couldnt see me. its like me being casper. saw them smoking. she smoking? ouch . i went and went and went till the point they were going to split up. he stopped the cab for her, open the door for her, kissed her and she said "bye and thanz darling" to him.

its a big ouch. i realise i was no more the guy for her. no more. someone its taking my place for sure and she seem to be liking that replacement. :( i just leading an empty life now.

i looked at her public lj that she posted up a year ago. pls izyan read these entries again. may it change your thought, hurt you or stay the same, just read it ok? just spend a few min on them pls. some entries are :

dated : 6 june 2005

i miss my B. i think i kinda broke down last night. and because of me. now he's having that doubts again about signing on. it took him soo long to decide on whether to do it or not. and when he finally decides and is confident about doing it, there i am, putting the doubts back.
B's having doubts because of me. worrying that i'll be very very affected by him not being here. i mean. of course i will be affected. but. both of us want this relationship to work out. and we will. no matter what decision you make B, i'll be there, supporting you all the wae. and even if it means not getting to meet you as often as i want it to be, then so be it. I'LLWAIT..

and this....

dated: 23 jan 2005

anyway. my dear know all about this. i told him. we're very open about things so no point hiding. not as if i did anything worng. its just the thrill of flirting. and fun. he understands me. that is why he's my bf!!!

and a few entries for her blogs:

dated: 25 August 2005
muhd faizal b abu bakar.somewhere around this date a year or eleven months before, fate was sealed when you decided to reply to my message to you.and now, at this moment of time, there's nothing more that i want to do but to hold you close and just enjoy the moment. just like we did the night we went to watch the 0100hrs movie.just like we did during nye.just like we did that night we camped at east coast park.just like we did everytime we meet.i miss you so much.i cant help the feeling when i went through my albums just now.you. me. you.you.you.just like what i told you that day.im gonna play dumb and pretend that everything is okie and nothing will disappoint me till the day you ord.*i need you soo badly right now.

others from izyan's blog:
05 sept 2005
20 sept 2005
11 nov 2005

13 nov 2005:
thesmile you gave when you said thank you.
[edit] its 0505hrs now. and im still not asleep. but im tired aedy. ive been waiting for my brain and body to be drained out since 4 hours ago. ijal... call me when you read this k. i want to talk to you... even if its 6am. just call. [/edit]look at the time now.its been a long time since im up at this hour.everything today was going so well.everything went perfect.ijal was the cutest thing my eyes set upon.his presence makes everything just so perfect.but the camera thing just had to happen 15mins b4 the day ends. i feel so sad. i dunno why. maybe the fact that he didnt get angry with me just made everything worse you knoe?? its like, no matter how i fucked up, he will never be mad at me.thats just the thing. he is not angry at me. then why the hell am i feeling like the suckiest person on earth?while waiting for him to get home so i can call him, i fell asleep. an hour++ later, i woke up to a jolt. i saw two message from him. the second one says good night... but i dunno why. i just started crying. i msgd back good night. but 5mins later, i felt the urgent need to call him and tell him i love him, but he didnt answer. i feel so hopeless. after that, i cant get back to sleep. everytime i close my eyes to sleep, i see his face. and sumhow someway, without me realising why, the image of him smiling back at me makes me cry.):you're the last thing i see before i go to sleep.and the last mental picture of you was when you smiled and said thank you for the card.






:'( i cant help that these wonderful memories will just be another thing in my life soon. i just cant put up an act of being storng and hold back my tears. izyan, you are everything to me. i dont know the dream i had its true or not but it felt real. she saying darling to him is a sign that i might not be in her heart anymore. just another friend that she has i guess.

35 days left.

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