Yes, you noticed it. My title has been the same always. Well, I'm out of ideas for that and lets start by having perfect english in this entry, if possible. ha. o, Its that an english word?

Anyway, this week was easy going week i ever had in my NS life. yup. i did alot of paper work and 2 regimental duties! its just practically sit in front of the pc and enjoy the aircon. yup. the life of an army man here is not so bad after all.

o yah. i was in the bus 168 today going home from bedok. broke my fast in the bus and gosh, there was S-League on TV Mobile. Tampines Rovers versus Home United. Boring at first till one of them scored the first goal. i cant remember who scored first. then came the second. i was like wah. not bad. then came the third goal, the forth and finally, before i got down the bus, it was 5 goals in total with Home United leading. and guess what, its only the first half of the game. yah. its only THE FIRST HALF OF THE GOD DAMN GAME!! i mean come on. what they are trying to show the world? soccer players in the S-League can score alot and just dont care abt the defence? i mean, the defenders dont even make the effort to defend. they just stand there, 'dash' for the ball and look at the ball going into the goal and go sad. and guess what, at the end of the game, they get 100++ in cash. why is that so? why professional soccer in singapore is like this? are they there to get fame or to play soccer?

They should have this rule, 'YOU LOSE, NO MONEY'. This maybe a short term thing to encourage players in the S League will play hard to earn money for the week at least. Once players shows professionalism and commitment to play with thier heart and win for thier team. Look at those european players, they play with thier heart. giving thier best for soccer. thats how they earn fame. thats how soccer should be. to be at thier best and play for the best. and not like letting in goals. its like for the sake of making the crowds happy. i am certainly not happy wit this. enough of this soccer shit. GOAL 2010? ha. make it 2100. maybe we can win the Asian Cup.

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it was sad news on thursday morning when i got a call from yan at 4am. i was soundly asleep when i heard the cries of my darling yan over the phone. She brought me the news of her grandma who had pass away peacefully that same morning. i was shocked. i was. the person who i met once, joked once, salam once and said bye once has left this world. the person who means a lot to yan. i was in a state of shock that morning. thinking of yan and her late grandma brings happy and sad memories i had with my late grandpa.

my grandpa is from my mother side and brought me up pretty well. i was under his care while my parents went to work. grandpa would always ask me to his form of massage on his back. His form was the then mini me steping on his legs and using the toes to due fine massages. hehe. i still remember the times it turned into a wrestling game and gosh, he was strong for an old lad. i wouldnt want to bore you with my childhood stories now. i will just share what i remembered that really shattered me.

i never had in my life, felt the pain of someone being gone from this world till the day grandpa was admitted to hospital in June 2000. He was seriously sick and doctors say he might not make it. it was the school holidays then so i made handful of trips to see him. i keep seeing him and talking to him seem so sad. he cant reply. he just feels pain. from there, my mum told me just read the 'dua kali masyahadat'(i dont know how to spell it). she didnt mention how many times, so i just keep saying it. i skipped lunch then dinner. i had to go back. back to school the next day.

i was in school the next day feeling happy and great having great hopes that my grandpa will be ok, but GOD prove me wrong. It brought me to my knees knowing that he was gone on that day. News was brought by my disipline master. Everyone knew me to be someone happy, joyful and carefree. But on that day, i was the saddest boy ever. Even my form teacher who saw me thought i was crazy and going to run away from school. she didnt know at first till she approach me.

i headed to my grandpa place in public transport. i was crying and crying. ignoring the people around me. it wasnt that bad lah the cries. just tears. i dont know how it really feels when someone is gone. i reach the house but the body is still in the hospital waiting for clearance. i waited patiently. really patient. till i saw my uncles and some of my late grandpa's friend carrying which look like a body. and it was. i shed tears even more now. i just read yassin along with my mum. waited and waited till, they wore the white cloth around my late grandpa. with the face exposed at first, i could take it seeing him so suci. so handsome. i was already sitting in the corner of the house not wanting to be near him. i dont. it feels wierd. at that time i reflected what all those years mean. all those great years spent with him.

while people reading doa and stuff, i knew he's really going to go. i cant take that emotional pain but to really cry and sob in that one corner. i cried really bad. everyone knew how close to him i was. i keep crying. i had to be let out of the house by my uncle as they say its not good to cry within the same room.i was weak. i was. i just kep quiet and cried.

then. the moment of truth. they done with doa and had to close his face for the final procession. everyone close to him had a chance to kiss him goodbye, espescially me. when it was my turn, i just sit beside him and stare at his face. i was trying so hard to smile. but to no avail. i just keep looking at him. i didnt think abt anything. just looked at him. everyone was waiting for me. 15 mins later, i kissed him and said, 'i had fun with you atok. i will join you again when my time is up. we will fly kite, pick out jackfruits together, go market together again k like we used too.' that moment everyone cried listen to me.

after that, i just say i'm done and cried. after solat jenazah, i was the first to go out and sat at a stone where me and my grandpa would sit at the open field in front of the block. i kept crying and sobbing.

everyone consoled me. and yes, i was ok by then. sent him off to his burial site. and i was ok. i know this is a life cycle. i know. till....

few weeks later, my grandma from my dad side left me.







i was such a big blow.
i just gave up.

and fufilled my grandpa's wish. and i would want to keep that wish to myself.

sorry for it being toooo long.
sorry

yan, i know how you feel about the lost. i know.
pray for her. and she will be happy somewhere out there.

love u yan.
love u atok.

tunggu ijal tau.

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